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Porque las mujeres tardamos tanto en el baño..



Me llego esto por email...lo argentinice un poco ( no mucho que despues se me quejan ) y quedo esto...



El gran secreto de todas las mujeres respecto a los baños es que cuando eras nena tu mamá te llevaba al baño, te enseñaba a limpiar la tabla del inodoro con papel higiénico y despues ponía tiras de papel cuidadosamente en el perímetro de la taza.


Despues muy seria te decia:: 'Nunca, nunca te sientes en un baño publico'

Y luego te mostraba 'la posición' que consiste en balancearte sobre el inodoro en una posición de sentarse sin que tu cuerpo haga contacto con la taza.

' La Posición ' es una de las primeras lecciones de vida de una nena, súper importante y necesaria, nos acaompañara durante el resto de nuestras vidas. Pero aún hoy en nuestros años adultos,'la posición' es dolorosamente difícil de mantener cuando tu vejiga está a punto de reventar.



Cuando 'tenes que ir' a un baño público, te encontras con una cola de mujeres que te hace pensar que dentro está Brad Pitt. Así esperas paciente, sonriendo amablemente a las demás mujeres que también están discretamente cruzando piernas y brazos. Es la posición oficial de 'me estoy meando'.



Un rato despues te toca tu turno, pero siempre llega la típica mamá con 'la nena chiquita que no se puede aguantar más' y aprovechan para saltarse ambas la cola con toda la cara !. Entonces verificas cada puertita por debajo para ver si no hay piernas. Todos están ocupados. Finalmente uno se abre y te lanzas casi tirando a la persona que va saliendo. Entras y te das cuenta que el picaporte no funciona (nunca funciona); no importa...

Colgas tu bolso del gancho que hay en la puerta, y si no hay gancho (nunca hay gancho), inspeccionas la zona, el suelo esta lleno de líquidos indefinidos y no te atreves a dejarlo ahí, así que te lo colgas del cuello mientras miras como se balancea debajo tuyo, sin contar que te desnuca la correa, porque el bolso está lleno de mierdas que fuiste metiendo dentro - la mayoría de las cuales no usas, pero que las tienes por si acaso - ...

Pero volviendo a la puerta... como no tenía picaporte, solo tenes la opción de sostenerla con una mano, mientras que con la otra de un tirón te bajas la bombacha( tanga o bragas) y tomas 'la posición'... Alivio...... AAhhhhhh.....por fin... Ahí es cuando tus muslos empiezan a temblar.... por que estás suspendida en el aire, con las piernas flexionadas, la bombacha cortándote la circulación de los muslos, el brazo extendido haciendo fuerza contra la puerta y un bolso de 5 kgs. colgando de tu cuello.
Te encantaría sentarte, pero no tuviste tiempo de limpiar la taza ni la cubrirte con papel, interiormente crees que no pasaría nada pero la voz de tu mamá retumba en tu cabeza 'jamás te sientes en un baño público!', así que te quedas en 'la posición' con el tembleque de piernas, entonces por un fallo de cálculo en las distancias una salpicada finíiiiiisima del chorro te salpica en tu propio culo y que ¡¡¡te moja hasta las medias!!! Tienes suerte si no te mojas tus propios zapatos, y es que adoptar 'la posición' requiere una gran concentración.

Para alejar de tu mente esa desgracia, buscas el rollo de papel higiénico peroooo, la puta que lo pario......! el rollo esta vacío...! (siempre) Entonces suplicas al cielo que entre los 5 kgs. de porquerias que llevas en el bolso haya un miserable pañuelo descartable , pero para buscar en tu bolso tenes que soltar la puerta, dudas un momento, pero no hay más remedio.y en cuanto soltas la puerta, alguien la empuja y recibes un portazo que tienes que frenar con un movimiento rápido y brusco, si miramientos o todo el mundo te vera semi sentada en el aire con la bombacha por la rodilla ¡¡NO!! Entonces gritas ¡¡¡O-CU-PA-DOOOO !!!', mientras seguis empujando la puerta con tu mano libre, das por hecho que todas las que esperan en el exterior han oído tu mensaje y ya puedes soltar la puerta sin miedo, nadie intentará abrirla de nuevo, (en eso las mujeres nos respetamos mucho) y te dispones a buscar tu kleenex sin agobios, te gustaría usar más de uno pero sabes lo valiosos que son en casos similares y te arreglas con uno por las dudas..


En ese preciso instante se apaga la luz automática del baño, en un cubículo tan reducido no puede ser tan difícil encontrar el interruptor! das la luz de nuevo con la mano del kleenex por que la otra sigue sujetando tus bragas, vas contando los segundos que te quedan para salir de allí, sudando por que llevas el tapado puesto ya que no hay perchero, y es que, hay que ver el calor que hace en estos lugares tan chicos y en esa posición de fuerza en la que sigues, con los gemelos a punto de estallar.

Sin contar la calentura que llevas por el portazo, el desnuque con la correa del bolso, el sudor que corre por tu frente, la salpicada del chorro en las piernas y en las medias, que todavía están mojadas... el recuerdo de tu mamá que se moriria de verguenza si te viera así; porque su culo nunca tocó el asiento de un baño público, porque francamente, vos no sabes qué clase de enfermedades podrías agarrar ahí'..

Pero la debacle no termina... estás exhausta, cuando te pones de pie ya no sentis las piernas, te recolocas la ropa rápidamente y tiras de la cadena ¡sobretodo! Si no funciona preferirías no salir jamás de ese baño ¡qué vergüenza! entonces sales a lavarte las manos. Todo esta lleno de agua así que no puedes soltar el bolso ni un segundo, lo cuelgas al hombro, no sabes cómo funciona la canilla con los sensores automáticos así que tocas hasta que sale un chorrito de agua fresca, y consigues jabón, te lavas en una posición de jorobado de Notre Dame para que no se resbale el bolso desde tu hombro y acabe en la pileta del baño bajo el chorro automático, el secador de aire es un trasto inútil así que acabas secándote las manos en tus pantalones, por que no piensas gastar otro kleenex para eso! y sales pasando junto a la línea de mujeres que aún están esperando con las piernas cruzadas y en estos momentos sos incapaz de sonreir cortesmente, consciente de que has pasado ahí una eternidad..

Tendrás suerte si no salis arrastrando un trozo de papel higiénico pegado a tu zapato del largo del río Mississippi, o peor aún, con la pollera arremangada agarrada por tus medias que te subiste a la velocidad de la luz y enseñando el culo! Lo juro, a mi me pasó y no soy la única, me consta!Y salis...

En este momento ves a tu chico que entro, uso y salio del baño de hombres y que tuvo tiempo de sobra para leer Guerra y Paz mientras te esperaba. '¿Por qué tardas tanto?' te pregunta enojado....
Había mucha cola' te limitas a decir,por no decirle :boludo que te importa..que no podes vivir 10 minutos sin mi??




Y esta es la razón por la que las mujeres vamos en grupo al baño, por solidaridad, ya que una te aguanta el bolso y el abrigo, la otra te sujeta la puerta, otra te pasa el kleenex por debajo de la puerta y así es mucho más sencillo y rápido ya que vos solo tenes que concentrarte en mantener 'la posición' y la dignidad.

57 comentarios:

KHORNE dijo...

Hola love,

Para mi que se van juntas al meodromo, sencillamente para "hablar o comentar" la jugada, lejos de oidos no deseados.

A parte por supuesto de retocaros el maquillaje, peinaros, poneros mas crema en los morros, mear, pasaros o colocaros un tampax, que os ayuden a sujetaros el bolso, o aguantar cerrada la puerta, darles las manos para que la otra no tenga que hacer tanta fuerza en cuclillas y le retemblequeen a una las canillas (piernas)...

y por supuesto, una pizca de seguridad, según en el lugar en el que se encuentren las susodichas, por si hay mucho buitre suelto, revoloteando por los alrededores
en busca de carne fresca...

Aunque solo son congeturas, ya que ni el puto national geographic sabe por que cojones actua la hembra de la especie humana con tan curioso ritual...

Besitos...

Maria Andrea dijo...

jajajajaj esta' buenisimo!
Pero lo primero seria seguir otro consejo de mama': anda' al baño a hacer pis antes de salir de casa!
Beso Cari!

Eingel dijo...

y por que vais en grupo? Cuando en el grupo las chicas deciden entrar todas juntas al baño.. empiezan a temblarme las piernas... malo, malo

Besooooos

SEFA dijo...

Muy bueno Carina, me he reido y la verdad que muchas veces es tal como lo describes.
Sentí no verte en el bloguellon, me dijeron que estabas malita o uno de los ocupas, espero que ya esten buenos,si te pasas por mi blog veras unas fotos del evento, un abrazo.SEFA

Martín dijo...

Hay que reconocer que nosotros lo tenemos más fácil, afortunadamente.

Un abrazo

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